Back to HOMEPAGE Tension so thick it could be cut with
a knife in the back
Ann Treneman
Parliamentary Sketch, The Times
Filed 16 May 08
©Ann Treneman
This article was originally published in The Times on May 13, 2008.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission of its author and of the newspaper
Dum de dum de dum de dum. Dum de dum de dum dum. Yes, it's The Backbiters, the soap opera that is enthralling all of Westminster. It's just like The Archers, but without any truly nice characters. Indeed, Gordon Brown seems to be hated more than Brian Aldridge ever was, even after Brian had that affair with Siobhan and everyone thought he was a ghastly cad. Well, good news for you Brian: Gordon's more hated than you.
But now that may change after yesterday's episode, entitled: Frank Surprises Everyone. The scene was the House of Commons and the characters had all gathered to hear Chancellor Alistair Darling's humiliating climbdown (at least that's what it says in the script) over the 10p tax cut. The first major character to arrive was Frank Field. At first, no one wanted to be seen with him. He sat on the back bench, as lonely as a cloud of poison. Every soap opera has to have a mercurial character like Frank. We listeners know he is both saint and sinner but Frank would like us to see him as a friend to the poor, like Mother Teresa without the headgear.
As you may remember, Backbiters started off when Frank attacked Gordon for being horrible to poor people. There was then weeks of Gordon denying he was horrible. But no one (even Alistair) believed Gordon and so Gordon then told Frank that he would be nicer to the poor. Frank said he'd be the judge of that. It was getting a bit repetitive (unless, of course, you happen to be poor but, hey, this soap is not written for you). It all reached a frenzy of horribleness this past weekend when everyone was ghastly about Gordon. Of special note is Cherie, a character based on Cruella de Vil, who was horrible to Gordon while bragging about her sex life with Gordon's arch rival Tony. Frank said Gordon was, more or less, a raging maniac, deeply unhappy and going to lose his job.
This was too much for Ed Balls, Gordon's only friend. When he heard about Frank, he cried “Balls!” (Yes, I know, but I didn't write the script). Then Ed called the feral beasts of Westminster (aka journalists) and gave a press briefing on “education”. The main thing we learnt was that Ed was being horrible to Frank for being horrible to Gordon.
All of this leads us to yesterday's climactic scene in the Commons. Frank was on the back bench. Gordon arrived on the front bench and wrapped his arms around himself. A few down from him was a stony-faced Ed Balls. Two MPs came and sat beside Frank: one of them was one of Tony's best friends. The tension was so thick that you could have cut it with a knife in the back.
Alistair got up and told Frank that he was going to spend £2.7billion to make Frank (and, incidentally, the poor) happy. Frank nodded his head graciously and arose. “Can I congratulate you for putting an end to this issue,” he said.
Gordon didn't look at him. Ed allowed one brief (but bitter) glance. Then Frank got on bended knee (this is radio, anything's possible) and said to Gordon: “Over the weekend I allowed my campaigning to become personal. I much regret that and I apologise without reservation.”
Gordon turned his head around, looking back in sorrow and hurt. His lips pressed together. His deputy, Hapless Harriet, reached over and patted his arm. Around Frank, though, there was jubilation. His shoulder was thumped amid much merriment. Frank was, once again, the hero of Backbiters.
©Ann Treneman |
