Back to HOMEPAGE In the spring an MP's fancy lightly turns
to the recess
Ann Treneman
Parliamentary sketch Writer: The Times
Filed 05 Apr 08
©Ann Treneman
This article was originally published in The Times on 4th April 2008.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission of its author and of the newspaper
The Commons has been gripped by spring fever, a medically recognised condition that affects MPs just before they head off for their two-week spring break. Yesterday the insidious disease, which is characterised by name-calling and flights of fancy, seemed to infect almost everyone.
The Speaker has had a rough few weeks, what with having to explain how his wife spent £4,000 of our money on taxis, and so was perhaps especially vulnerable to it. He was to have called Alan Duncan, the small but perfectly informed Tory, during Business and Enterprise Questions.
But the Speaker looked at Hunky Dunky and shouted: “Alan Clark!”
Hunky looked a bit taken aback, not least because Alan Clark has not been in the Commons since 1999 for the very good reason that he died that September. Mr Clark was famous and infamous for many things, not least enjoying a tipple.
Hunky jumped up and crowed: “Don’t worry, Mr Speaker, I can assure you that I am sober.”
Is that good or bad? I’m not sure. But then up popped Brian Binley, a quite nutty Tory who was upset about a “batty” European Union directive that places pub landlords in jeopardy if customers call their staff “love” or “darling”. Could the Government take steps to stop this “farcical burden”, he demanded, adding: “I personally prefer ‘angel’.”
As Pat McFadden, the minister is charge of red tape, stood up to answer, a Tory shouted: “Come on, petal.” Mr McFadden started to laugh. This involved using facial muscles not used for months. For Mr McFadden is also in charge of post office closures, a subject on which MPs are fixated. Yesterday alone he was asked 15 questions on the subject and each answer seemed more doleful.
As a rule Postman Pat has all the gaiety of an undertaker but even undertakers can be susceptible to spring fever. Thus, Pat yesterday found himself chortling to Mr Binley: “You are allowed to call me anything you wish. I will not take offence.”
The same may not be true of Norman Baker, the holier-than-thou Lib Dem who believes that he knows best on almost every subject. Yesterday he was scathing about the post office closures in his constituency and asked the Postman to meet him to discuss this. This seemed to tip Labour’s Anne Moffat over the edge. “He’s horrible,” she called to Pat. “Tell him to bog off.” Bog off? Whatever happened to “petal” and “angel”? Still, at least it gave the Postman another chance to giggle.
Finally, there is the sad case of Theresa May. As you may remember, on Wednesday Theresa was not allowed to question Harriet Harman at PMQs. So yesterday Theresa was under pressure to be brilliant.
The result was predictable. “Politicians around the world have been asked to name their favourite poems. Tony Blair chose Rupert Brooke’s The Soldier,” she noted. “The current Prime Minister chose part of a PhD thesis about the individual’s limited powers of self-sufficiency.”
She tried to sound exasperated but just sounded frazzled. She had another poem for Gordon. Why not Robert Burns’s Ode to Despondency or, even better, The Farewell?
Oh dear. Even Theresa didn’t laugh. Some spring fevers are worse than others. Let’s hope she recovers during the recess.
©Ann Treneman
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