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'Daveheart' victorious after heated battle
with his auld enemy.
A Parliamentary sketch
Ann Treneman
Columnist: The Times
Filed 26 Oct 07
©Ann Treneman
This article was originally published
in The Times on 25th October 07.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission
of the author and of the newspaper.
David Cameron knows how to hit the Prime
Minister where it hurts. I speak, of course, of Scotland. Everything
was going well for Big Gordie at PMQs until 12.14pm. This was when
Davey said the S word. Maybe it’s because Davey is so English.
Maybe it’s because he went to Eton (in England). Maybe it’s
just that Davey is a Tory. But I saw red tartan flash before Gordo’s
eyes.
He saw the enemy and the enemy was English.
Forget Braveheart. This was Daveheart, and a betrayal of everything
that Mel Gibson stood for. Gordo could not believe what he was hearing.
Daveheart was accusing the Labour Party of betraying the Scottish
voter. He said an independent report had found that Labour had put
party before voter and the result was 146,000 rejected ballot papers.
“Will you now offer your own personal
apology for the unacceptable conduct of ministers?” demanded
Davey.
Gordo looked ready to explode. “I
don’t accept that at all!” he cried. Tories screamed
(for they are almost all English and it’s a fact that English
people scream a lot) and the Speaker (Scottish) intervened to tell
them to pipe down.
Gordo insisted that it wasn’t Labour’s
fault at all. Indeed, the Tories were just as guilty. “What
it says, what it says,” he cried, his new stammer returning,
“is that all political parties must take their share of
responsibility for what happened!”
The chamber was in chaos. Wee Dougie Alexander
was sitting on the front bench, his legs crossed and his face frozen.
He had been Scottish Secretary at the time. Indeed, he is now the
election co-ordinator. One botched real election and another botched
nonelection. That is a perfect record.
Dave seemed genuinely morally outraged now
and MPs were baying. “Order! Order!” cried
the Speaker. “I want quietness here!”
He turned to his right and let rip at Ian
Austin, the PM’s parliamentary private secretary whose speciality
is shouting. Mr Austin made one of those gestures, beloved of five-year-olds,
claiming innocence. “The best thing for you to do is stay
away from my chair,” scolded Mr Speaker, “because
my hearing is bang-on.” Mr Austin shut up for he was
on the naughty step.
Dave shot back. “That is another
one of the Prime Minister’s cronies who will not behave properly!”
He then attacked Wee Dougie. “How can he possibly go round
the world lecturing other countries about probity in their elections?”
This slur (from an Englishman! and one who
went to Eton!) tipped Mr Brown over the edge. He shouted: “Because
you are misleading people about the conclusions of this report!”
The word “misleading” is inflammatory
in the chamber for it is seen as code for lying which, of course,
no MP would ever do. (I know, I know, but I am only the messenger.)
The Tories reacted as if someone had thrown a lorry-load of firelighters
into their benches. “Withdraw!” they chanted
at Mr Brown. The Speaker then leant forward on his buckle shoes
to consult two bewigged clerks and, finally, proclaimed: “I
call for temperate language!”
Gordo did not have to withdraw his words
for, apparently, he had merely accused Dave of misleading people,
not misleading MPs. How ludicrous is that? Davey was red hot with
anger as he shouted: “I don’t know how you have
the gall to accuse me of misleading anybody.” When he
said the word “gall” it sounded like “Gaul”
and I feared the French were going to get involved.
But Daveheart was thumping the dispatch
box now, his enemy watching with baleful eyes.
How Gordo hates it when Davie wins. I’m not sure anyone was
thinking of the voters at all.
©Ann Treneman
Comment
As might be predicted, wee Dougie is scheduled
to declare on the Politics Show, BBC 1 on Sunday
"It wasnae me, mister. Honest"
Editor: www.land-care.org.uk
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