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Sorry story tests Gordon Brown to the limit
Ann Treneman:
Parliamentary Sketch: The TImes
Filed 23 Nov 07
©Ann Treneaman
This article was originally published
in The Times, 22nd November 07.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission of its
Author and of the Newspaper
The preparation for Prime Minister’s
Questions by Gordon Brown is said to have been intense. The night
before, over dinner, it had been left to his wife, Sarah, to tell
him that he would have to apologise in the Commons for the Government
losing the details of 25 million people.
“Do I?” he said sulkily, looking
down at his plate.
“Yes,” said Sarah firmly, glowing
in her bright yellow pinny.
“But I’m setting up a review!”
cried Gordon.
“That’s wonderful, dear, but
that’s not enough,” she said, adopting the tone Supernanny
uses with stubborn toddlers.
“But it’s not my fault!”
he bellowed.
The Official Secrets Act precludes me from
passing on further details except to say that Sarah won. Gordon
approached his task (for he has never said “sorry” before
in the Commons) with Presbyterian zeal. He tried to set up a working
group and a citizens’ jury. Could this be an emergency? If
so, he could call a meeting of his beloved Cobra! Sarah, now in
a bright yellow nightie, eyed him wearily.
“No working group. No citizens’
jury. No Cobra,” she said. “Just practice, practice,
practice.”
She cranked up the Downing Street gramophone
and the voice of Elton John sang out: “Sorry seems to be the
hardest word.” Gordon, practising the word “apologise”
in the mirror, grimaced. What a mouthful: it was four syllables
of total pain.
Sarah, in her bright yellow coat, wasn’t
in the gallery but Gordon knew she’d be watching at home.
There was no way out and so he got it out of the way immediately.
“Mr Speaker,” he intoned, rushing his words. “I
profoundly regret and apologise for the inconvenience and worries
that have been caused.”
At the word “apologise”, the
Tories shouted: “Ahhhhh!”
Gordon ignored them and soothed himself
by telling us about his reviews, which by this time had grown to
three.
David Cameron stood up. His goal was to
make Gordon angry. “It’s all very well holding reviews
but the Government has had ten years to sort this out,” he
shouted.
Gordon, practising his new anger-management
breathing technique, told us about his reviews again and quoted
passages from the Manual of Protective Security before blaming the
Opposition.
“Do you know what people want from
their Prime Minister on a day like this?” demanded Dave, as
lofty as a converted warehouse. “For him to stand up, show
some broad shoulders, be the big man, take some responsibility.”
Gordon lunged to his feet. “I said
right at the beginning,” he snapped. “I apologise for
what has happened!”
But he didn’t sound apologetic now.
He sounded petulant. And angry. And defensive. Dave immediately
increased the voltage on his cattle prod by asking if Gordon would
think again on ID cards. Gordon insisted that ID cards will be great
because people will feel confident that their identity is being
protected.
Tories screamed as Dave said it was “bizarre”
and “weird” that the PM was still so keen on ID cards.
This was too much for Gordon. He forgot about his anger management
breathing technique. He forgot about his apology. He forgot about
Elton John and that wretched song. All he could see was that Eton-educated
Tory toff, standing there, taunting him about something that wasn’t
his fault.
Gordon bellowed: “You talk about running
things! Well for ten years the best economic policy in any part
of Europe! For ten years the lowest inflation of any decade! The
lowest interest rates of any decade! Something that you could never
rival!”
I’m sorry but that’s not an
apology, it’s a rant. Sarah, if still watching, will not be
happy.
©Ann Treneman
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