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Only cover-up was of the famous
cleavage in Westminster
Ann Treneman
Parliamentary Sketch, The Times
Filed 16 Nov 07
©Ann Treneman
This article was originally published
in The Times, 14th November 07.
It is reproduced here by kind permission of its
Author and of the Newspaper
There have been whispers lately about Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary.
She has had a few bad weeks in which she has seemed distinctly jejune.
She has looked weak and indecisive, sinking not swimming in the
deadly currents of her job. So yesterday was an important test for
Ms Smith when she was forced to come to the Commons to explain why
she had covered up the discovery that illegal immigrants were employed
in the security industry.
First, though, I bring you news on an issue of
national importance. I speak, of course, of the cleavage. Ever since
Ms Smith told the world of a terrorist attack while dressed for
success in a singles bar, this subject has been top of the pop questions.
“How’s the cleavage?” has become the standard
first query whenever Ms Smith appears at the dispatch box.
Perhaps not anymore. For there was no cleavage
yesterday. Indeed, I believe that Ms Smith has overcome Cleavage-gate
by deploying the simple but effective camouflage of a stripey blouse.
Yesterday the only thing that she revealed was her strategy for
crisis management but, for me at least, it was no less impressive.
The result was a bust-up of a different kind.
She was cool, calm and collected. She read her
statement, hands folded in front of her like a schoolmarm (which
she was). She explained, in excruciating detail, the bizarre world
of the Security Industry Authority. She made it sound utterly normal
that it had licensed security guards while not knowing that they
were illegal immigrants. She made it sound utterly normal that since
July, when she found out about this, she had not told us.
This was not because she was covering anything
up. Heaven forfend! It is because she was seeking the truth. We
deserve to be told the full truth and these things take time. (Indeed,
at the Home Office, an eternity.) It is an ingenious defence: many
a dastardly deed has been committed for truth. For instance, in
their own way, the Watergate burglars were seeking truth.
“I don’t make any apologies to this
House,” cried Ms Smith over Tory unrest, “for being
the sort of minister whose first reaction is not what should I say
about it but is what should I do about it. That is what I have done!
I have taken action and when I am clear about the situation I will
return and report!” Labour MPs were cardboard cutout loyalists.
“Can I congratulate the Home Secretary,” they cried
repeatedly. Ms Smith accepted their praise graciously and kept on
extolling her own virtues.
The opposition was not impressive. Nick Clegg,
the Home Affairs spokesman and leadership candidate for the Lib
Dems, did not even show up. It never fails to amaze, the many ways
in which the Lib Dems have lost the plot. David Davis, the Shadow
Home Secretary, was lacklustre. He strutted and swaggered a bit
but he never nailed the argument. His outrage sounded synthetic,
his attack more automatic than heartfelt.
It was left to Michael Howard, who continues to
be wonderfully creepy, to try to get an actual fact out of the Home
Secretary. “When this fiasco first came to light,” he
demanded, “did you tell the Prime Minister? If not, why not
and if you did, did the Prime Minister remind you of his promise
to abandon spin and embrace candour?”
Ms Smith bridled. “I did not tell the Prime
Minister because there was not a fiasco!” she cried, her voice
finally starting to squeak. “There was no fiasco, there was
no blunder, there was strengthened and improved action.”
So there you have it. There was no cover-up yesterday
(other than the stripey blouse, obviously). As she left the chamber,
I could hear the trusty sword of truth clanking by her side as it
will be, no doubt, for evermore.
Crucial dates
Late June Security Industry Authority realised
that it had cleared thousands of illegal immigrants to work
July 2 It tells Home Office
July 12 Ms Smith aware that thousands of foreigners
are illegally employed as security guards
July 24 The possibility of an early election is
raised in the Cabinet
August 9 Memo from Ms Smith’s private secretary
says that she agrees that the “lines we have are [not] good
enough for . . . ministers to explain the situation”
August 20 Ms Smith told that 5,000 were employed
illegally and the press office continues to advise that ministers
keep quiet
August 30 Second memo repeats advice to stay silent
October 6 Mr Brown announces that he has chosen
not to go to the country in the autumn
November 11 Reports that thousands of immigrants
have been wrongly licensed to work in high-profile security jobs
November 12 Reporters told that the reason for
the previous news blackout was not to compromise immigration raids
©Ann Treneman
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