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Not so much Stalin as Mr Bean:
Gordon Brown is made to play
the fool in stage farce
Ann Treneman
Parliamentary Sketch, The TIMES
Filed 01 Dec 07
©Ann Treneman
This article
was originally published in The TImes, 29th November 07.
It is reproduced here with the kind permission of
its Author and of the Newspaper
The big winner of Prime Minister’s Questions was Vince Cable.
Yes, Vince! Not Gordon Brown, the man who has launched a thousand
inquiries but often doesn’t seem to know right from wrong.
Not David Cameron, the boy wonder who is mastering the art of fighting
dirty. But Vince - the man who escaped from a Dickens novel only
to find himself cast in the role of acting leader of the Lib Dems.
At PMQs, like the wallflower at a dance, he is
always the last to be called. Still, his turns in the spotlight
have become a cult hit with the Commons. Yesterday he noted, as
dry as a sand dune:
“The House has noticed the Prime Minister’s
remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to
Mr Bean.”
The collective belly laugh was instantaneous.
It echoed round the chamber like a very merry “ho, ho, ho”.
Gordon’s eyes flew open. He, like Mr Bean, had an alarmed
look.
“Creating chaos out of order rather than
order out of chaos,”
Vince explained just in case the PM thought that
Mr Bean was some kind of vegetable.
There was an hysterical edge to PMQs. The House
is punch drunk after a solid ten days of crisis non-management.
There are almost too many to keep track of and the Labour-donor
sleaze scandal is so complicated that it makes a bowl of spaghetti
look straightforward.
It was Mr Cameron’s task to find out which strand to pick
out and throw. It seemed a great shame that he went for that tired
old stand-by: why hadn’t the PM told the police?
What about other issues, such as why so many people
named Janet pretend to give money to Labour. It is a breakthrough
for all Janets who are lumbered with the most unfashionable name
ever. Indeed, this may be the first scandal anywhere with two Janets
and a Harriet.
Fascinating stuff and yet, sadly, Dave seemed
much more interested in the police. Mr Brown claimed that only the
Electoral Commission could go to the police.
“The Prime Minister is wrong!”
cried Dave.
But Mr Brown Bean is never wrong, only hapless.
He kept using his various reviews like giant shields to hide behind.
Dave then picked up another strand of spaghetti:
the role of the new Labour fund-raising chief, Jon Mendelsohn. Again,
and I hope you don’t think I’m fixated, his name raises
a question. Is he related to Felix Mendelssohn? And how many Janets
does he know?
Mr Brown defended Mr Mendelsohn, who had, like
absolutely everyone in this sorry saga, just put out a statement.
Dave, now swinging his strand of spaghetti like a lasso above his
head, cried:
“I have to say your whole explanation
beggars belief! This goes to questions of the Prime Minister’s
own integrity!”
Mr Cameron was on a roll, shouting about incompetence.
“Aren’t people rightly asking now:
is this man simply not cut out for the job?”
I think that the word “incompetent”
wounds Mr Brown. He began to rage:
“As for competence, I remind him that
in 1992 he sat there when interest rates went to 15 per cent!”
Then he began to chant loudly about his own achievements:
“Competence is the lowest interest rates
for a generation! The lowest inflation for a generation! The highest
employment for a generation!”
Finally, he bellowed:
“We will continue to do our best by the
country!”
Well, if this is his best, I’d hate
to see his worst. Still, it’s good news for Janets. And Vince
Cab
©Ann Treneman |
