SNH's NEW HIELAN' HAME

Quango moves out of Edinburgh to get 'closer to its customers'

Traditional style preferred for new HQ

Scottish Natural Heritage announced today that it will move its headquarters from Edinburgh to the Hebridean island of Rum. This announcement ends months of speculation as to where the nature conservation quango will go once its lease on 12 Hopeless Terrace, Edinburgh, runs out later this year.

SNH Choirman, John Markland, told Fresh Air, "Cha chaomh leam rugbaidh idir;'s e Hearts an sgioba as fhearr leam. Air mo shon phin dheth, cha dean Bertie Vogts a' chuis dhuinn ann an Alba; bu chaomh leum Roger Crofts fhaicinn 'na 'aite."

The new headquarters building, designed by prominent Italian architect Cervuso Elaphusini, is estimated to cost about £40 million, which Mr Markland described, in Fife Council Gaelic, as "cheap at the price, lad".

"Sgn. Elaphusini won the job in open competition," Markland continued. "Nature is never static. We expect dynamism and movement in the price as much as in the stones which will hold the roof down when the wind blows as it so often does on Rum."

Recent studies have shown that the air on Rum has a tendency to move. The resulting effect is known as "wind".

Speaking with tears in his eyes, Kevin D'Onion, commented for Friends of the Earth, "This project is a tragedy, a travesty, a terrible mistake. Rum is the jewel in the crown of nature conservation in Scotland and this plan to repopulate it with bureaucrats is a disgrace. It is just blackhouses for white settlers. A traditional-style creche will cater for mothers in the typing pool. Contract grannying services will be available by the discharge on a pay per nappy basis.

Community cradles will be constructed from wood sourced from sustainable loggeries and community dummies will be biodegradable.

The picture above shows one of the secretaries loading up the emails for distribution to the staff in the various blackhouses which will be scattered in tasteful profusion around the island of Rum. Plans are being made to distribute by windpower those whose destination is downwind of the initiating keyboard.

"Sadly this means the end of the line for the paper-free Highland pony," commented George Anderson, SNH's head of guff production. "We are always criticised for being Nazis, but you have to move with the times. The seal is a beautiful animal. It is part of our heritage."

LIFESTYLE FEATURE - WASTEPAPER BASKETS

As every conservationist knows, office life is a constant battle to recycle other people's faxes, letters and emails. The public, especially, create a problem because of their unceasing attempts to communicate. To solve this problem, SNH commissioned Cask, Chainsaw and Partners to devise a disposal system appropriate to an Hebridean environment.

These are some of the designs they have submitted:

Reproduced with permission from Fresh Air.

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SNH's NEW HIELAN' HAME

Quango moves out of Edinburgh to get 'closer to its customers'

Traditional style preferred for new HQ