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SNH's NEW HIELAN' HAME
Quango moves out of Edinburgh to get 'closer to its customers'
Traditional style preferred for new HQ
Scottish Natural Heritage announced today that
it will move its headquarters from Edinburgh to the Hebridean island
of Rum. This announcement ends months of speculation as to where
the nature conservation quango will go once its lease on 12 Hopeless
Terrace, Edinburgh, runs out later this year.
SNH Choirman, John Markland, told Fresh Air,
"Cha chaomh leam rugbaidh idir;'s e Hearts an sgioba as fhearr
leam. Air mo shon phin dheth, cha dean Bertie Vogts a' chuis dhuinn
ann an Alba; bu chaomh leum Roger Crofts fhaicinn 'na 'aite."
The new headquarters building, designed by prominent
Italian architect Cervuso Elaphusini, is estimated to cost about
£40 million, which Mr Markland described, in Fife Council
Gaelic, as "cheap at the price, lad".
"Sgn. Elaphusini won the job in open competition,"
Markland continued. "Nature is never static. We expect dynamism
and movement in the price as much as in the stones which will hold
the roof down when the wind blows as it so often does on Rum."
Recent studies have shown that the air on Rum
has a tendency to move. The resulting effect is known as "wind".
Speaking with tears in his eyes, Kevin D'Onion,
commented for Friends of the Earth, "This project is a tragedy,
a travesty, a terrible mistake. Rum is the jewel in the crown of
nature conservation in Scotland and this plan to repopulate it with
bureaucrats is a disgrace. It is just blackhouses for white settlers.
A traditional-style creche will cater for mothers in the typing
pool. Contract grannying services will be available by the discharge
on a pay per nappy basis.
Community cradles will be constructed from wood
sourced from sustainable loggeries and community dummies will be
The picture above shows one of the secretaries
loading up the emails for distribution to the staff in the various
blackhouses which will be scattered in tasteful profusion around
the island of Rum. Plans are being made to distribute by windpower
those whose destination is downwind of the initiating keyboard.
"Sadly this means the end of the line for
the paper-free Highland pony," commented George Anderson, SNH's
head of guff production. "We are always criticised for being
Nazis, but you have to move with the times. The seal is a beautiful
animal. It is part of our heritage."
LIFESTYLE FEATURE - WASTEPAPER BASKETS
As every conservationist knows, office life is
a constant battle to recycle other people's faxes, letters and emails.
The public, especially, create a problem because of their unceasing
attempts to communicate. To solve this problem, SNH commissioned
Cask, Chainsaw and Partners to devise a disposal system appropriate
to an Hebridean environment.
These are some of the designs they have submitted:
Reproduced with permission from